Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One: A Path Through Unimaginable Grief

The death of someone you love deeply is devastating, but when it’s by suicide, the Grief can take on a complexity that feels unbearable. The suddenness, the unanswered questions, and societal stigma all intertwine to create a heavy and uniquely isolating pain. It can feel like a never-ending storm of emotions with no clear way through.

Why is death by suicide different from other deaths?

When someone dies by suicide, it can leave those left behind grappling with not just the natural pain of deep loss but also regrets, unfinished business, guilt, shame, and confusion. The “whys” can be all-consuming. Perhaps more so than other forms of death, suicide can feel personal: What did I miss? What more could we have done? These feelings, while natural and inevitable, are rarely grounded in truth—mental health struggles are complex, and blaming ourselves only deepens the gaping wound.

What happens to Grief after a suicide?

Grief after a suicide can feel like an emotional jungle. Alongside the sorrow, there can be anger—at the person who died, at circumstances, at yourself. There can be judgement, blame or reprisal, which can isolate us when we most need support. And there’s an ongoing societal discomfort around suicide that can leave others unsure as to how to offer comfort, making it harder to access support when it’s most needed.

Why say “died by suicide”?

Language matters. Phrases like “committed suicide” echo outdated notions of sin or crime, compounding the stigma. Saying “died by suicide” acknowledges that suicide is often the result of unbearable pain or illness, not a moral failing. It helps shift the conversation towards understanding rather than judgement.

Why is support crucial?

As with all grief and loss, surviving a loved one’s suicide means slowly piecing life back together—a life that has been ripped at the seams, that now has a gaping hole at its core. This isn’t a journey to take alone. Sharing the load—through therapy, support groups, or skilful friends—can help ease the weight and shame. Grief is never linear, and having a community allows space for the rollercoaster of emotions to unfurl safely.

When suicidal thoughts surface

After losing a loved one to death, and perhaps even more so to suicide, it’s not uncommon to face your own dark thoughts, which can include a longing to die yourself. This is completely natural and reflects the breadth and depth of your pain and longing. What is essential is finding ways to stay connected to life and people, whether through professional support, crisis helplines, or trusted loved ones. Suicide prevention is often about moments of intervention; sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone can be lifesaving.

How to support someone who feels suicidal

If someone you know is struggling following a close-in death, don’t shy away. Ask gently but directly about their thoughts—this will not plant ideas in their heads; chances are these thoughts are already there—but rather opens a door to honesty and safety. You can ask:

• “Are you having thoughts of ending your life?”
• “Have you thought about how you might do it?”
• “Do you have a plan, and do you feel ready to act on it?”

These questions are daunting and require courage, but they show that you’re willing to listen to the truly hard stuff. Be present and listen without trying to “fix” them. Let them know they are not a burden and that you care for them deeply. Do not guilt or judge them. Encourage professional help and stay connected, even if, even as they push you away. If you’re struggling yourself, be as kind to yourself as you would be to your dearest friend. Reach out for help yourself—a true act of courage.

Grief after a suicide is not something to “get over.” As with all Grief, it’s something to carry, adapt to, and live alongside. With compassion, connection, and time, it’s possible to find shards of light in the darkness.

Image by Akhil Nath on Unsplash

20 January 2025