The Shape of You in Me

By Emma Pearson

July 16, 2024

10th October 2019

Megan Devine Writing Prompt inviting us to explore the theme of how I am different because you were part of my life.

The invisible causes changes in the visible
The visible gives evidence of the invisible
History influences the present and the future
Your presence in my life carries on
With me, within me, through me
How can I explain all of this?

Physically my body bears traces of you
We share DNA – and germs; (I hear you cry, “Ugh, Muumm!”)
And even though the doctor says that my heart is working fine
(I went to see him because I thought I’d had a mild heart attack last week)
He acknowledged that it was indeed broken
I don’t know how it does its job of keeping me alive

Emotionally I’ve slumped; energy wading through treacle
An inversion, a flip flop from how things used to be
Now bumping along a lower register – and range – of notes
With just a few high trills and thrills
Gaining expertise in articulating shadow sides and dark sides
Skilled – even comfortable – tending to myself in pain

Mentally I am shot – I have many valid excuses
A big loss aged 48, and then another when still 48
A massive one at 50, and now at 52 the most brutal
Add in pre-menopause which seems enough to throw most friends off-kilter
No wonder I can no longer read a book, concentrate, plan or create
I wonder if I have lost my brain as well as my mind

Spiritually it’s all swings and roundabouts
Remembering that love and grief go hand in hand
That this is just another side of deep love – who knew love hurt so much?
Lurching from practising forgiveness just to stop feeling angry
Desperately wanting to believe shamans and mediums who say
The you are happy now. At peace. Home

All of you is evident in all of me
Your love, laughter, joys, fears and tears
Your life, your smell still lingering months after your death
Your touch, passions, skills and creations.
The shape of you will move in and through me
For all the remaining air I get to breathe

About Emma Pearson

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