Healing Hurts

17 August 2019

I often receive wise, warm words from friends.

One friend, John C, yesterday wrote about how nothing in his grief is linear or predictable. Another, Mee-Yan, commented on the co-existence of strength and fragility, and the simultaneousness of myriad, varied emotions. And yet another, Laurence, wrote about the co-existence of ecstatic happiness with excruciating sadness.

Inspired by these, I tried to string some words together just now, even though my vocabulary feels so inadequate.

Every moment
Of every hour
Every day
Week in, week out

Pain, sorrow, sadness
Grief, loss, despair
Joy, love, gratitude
Tears and fears

Strength that feels weak
Courage that feels hollow
Fragility and uncertainty
The uncomfortable norm

Relentlessly hard
Showing up each day
Never resting
Efforting all the time

Painstakingly slow…what?
Progress?
Improvement?
Neither of those

Imperceptible, invisible shifts
Forwards
Backwards
Sideways

Collapsing
Rebuilding
Falling down
Picking up

Head and heart misfiring
Incapable of aligning
Thinking with
Feeling and being

A topsy-turvy world
Upside down
Back to front
Inside out

Too much change
Too much uncertainty
Nothing makes sense
Utter nonsense

People and places
Music and stories
Triggering memories
Reminders of kinder, simpler times

Past, present and future
Co-mingling
As love gambols with grief
As loss dances with joy

Trying to be gentle with myself
Not judging
Just accepting
Healing hurts