Some months ago, back in August, I had my first Psilocybin experience – aka Magic Mushrooms. Unlike my previous adventures with expanded states of consciousness – whether legal or not yet legal – I was in the comfort of my own home, lying on my bed, assisted by a dear and capable Medicine Healer guide and friend who will here on out go by the initials XOXO because I love her so.
Anticipation and Preparation
I’d been looking forward to this experience, not least because Psilocybin is found in nature – rather than fabricated in a laboratory – and so is a bonafide “plant medicine.” That it’s been used for millennia for myriad healing purposes and life threshold ceremonies was another plus, even though “scientific, double-blind studies” are only just emerging around why and how it affects us.
In my laywoman’s terms, I sense it’s something along the lines of: “Mushrooms and mycelium have been nourishing and healing the soil of our planet for over two billion years, helping her to become the extraordinary self-regulating Gaia that she is; therefore it makes sense that their healing properties would nourish and heal humans too, given that we come from the same stuff, and help us rebalance and self-regulate.” Right?
Just back from five weeks of holiday – first hiking the Peaks of the Balkans in Albania-Kosovo-Montenegro, then visiting a good bit of amazingly beautiful Albania with Medjool – I felt rested, recharged, and in a good place. I was eager to “get back to work.”
As always, I drew on some of the wisdom from the end-of-life field – these three tenets, part of the life-guiding principles from Frank Ostaseski, that nourish me daily:
- Welcome everything – push away nothing
- Bring your whole self to the experience
- Adopt “don’t know” mind
I also had my regular “What does my soul want me to learn, create, contribute, let go?” as my holding enquiry. From that emerged the invitation to “fully flow with life,” which served as my intention for the journey.
The Psilocybin Experience
In a nutshell, no ego dissolution for me – the dose wasn’t high enough, and yes, my ego is pretty sturdy. 😉 An overriding aspect of the experience was the deep sense of peace and calm I felt, along with some physical and visual effects.
The first sense of – “oh, something’s happening” – was around the time the first piece of music XOXO played. I started to feel very heavy, like I was pulled downwards, into the music, into the earth and soil. Even though my intention had been about flow, and XOXO had selected music with watery and flowing themes, I felt solid and grounded, and my psychedelic visions – which I wish I could draw – were earthy, muted browns, greens, and oranges – quite unlike the bright and fluorescent hues LSD offers.
I yawned a lot – mouth-stretching, full-bodied yawns – that made me feel very safe as I relaxed into the comfort of my bed, my bedroom, my house, and XOXO’s loving presence. Despite the utter relaxation, I didn’t fully disconnect from my head. As I checked in with myself, my topics, and my loved ones, and as I considered any guidance that came, it felt like the conversations were with “me, Emma,” rather than with Gaia, Love, Rivers, or other forms of universal or spiritual intelligence. Yes, I was a tad disappointed not to be having a full-on, mystical-spiritual experience, and I did my best to be with that.
The Messages: Rest and Work
While I was resting – really resting like I rarely do – and trusting the bed, the earth to hold me, I sensed the invitation – no – the imperative – to rest.
“Emma – Rest.” As if a compulsory passage to go through if I am ever to do anything else in my lifetime. “First rest.”
I obeyed. I rested and enjoyed the novel sensations.
When I enquired into some of my questions and intentions, I got no responses other than “Rest.” I felt graspy – I wanted Input! Guidance! Wisdom! Advice! Creative Insights! But all I got was the order – “Rest.”
Then, as if a coin were flipped on to its other side, a new imperative: “Now, Work.”
Like before – a non-negotiable. My mind was alert, in spite of my deep relaxation. I could have stood up and got on with some work. Indeed, I sat up for a bit and looked around, then lay down again, and enquired into the various professional projects I have been working on this year – Mortal Leader, Grief Coaching, my book, and my website. The responses were neutral – “Sure – go for it. It’s work – do it.” Similar response when I enquired into whether to accept some bits of work that feel less aligned with what I want to be doing going forward, but that I can do easily, effortlessly. “Sure – why not?”
I felt confused and disappointed. Wasn’t psilocybin meant to be less heady than LSD? I had thought that with Psilocybin my brain would go offline and that I might tap into some universal, spiritual wisdom – but instead it felt strangely, uncomfortably Emma-like. At some stage, I decided to accept that there wasn’t going to be any extraordinary input from “out there.” That perhaps I have all the wisdom I need inside me. I know enough. I have what I need.
Reflections on Mike and Julia
I checked in with Mike and Julia – but all I felt was separation and distance. I was seeking advice for how I might feel into them, sense them, in my day-to-day life, but what came was a clear:
“No – you don’t need us. We love you. We are with you, but stop with the wanting us. You don’t need more than you have – we are there with you, and that is enough.”
I felt a mix of gratitude, relief, and enormous sadness. I miss Mike and Julia – so much – but it seems I am being asked to draw a line between my life and wherever they are.
They are together.
Not here.
I am here.
Not with them.
It feels like a clear message. I dislike the “Move On” language associated with grief and loss intensely, but I am prepared, now, to acknowledge, to accept – that it’s time. Not to move on, but to move, nonetheless. To move with them in my life. To really live in my life, in my present, in my now.
I can draw on Mike and Julia’s love, skills, strength, and talents, because they are within me. I can tap into them in me, within myself, rather than tapping into them outside of myself.
Ever-Present Rabbit Holes
While writing some of this later in the evening, I picked up my phone and went down two rabbit holes containing such gorgeous photos of Julia.
The first was Instagram, where she is tagged in friends’ posts. I saw photos I had never seen before. I read comments she’d written that I’d not read before – many of which could be read as calls for help. She was only 13, 14, and 15 for those posts, and yet there is such maturity, self-awareness, and despair that I was blind to. So hard to read, to witness from this far out. Still.
The second rabbit hole consisted of holiday photos from our time in South Wales in Summer 2012. A lifetime ago. Julia was just 8 years old. A kid. In the photos, she’s hanging on to me, to Mike, to Ben, to all of us. Happy with her family. A cute, mischievous girl who loved her family, who felt safe with us.
I gaze at the 8-year-old and wonder, “What on earth happened?”, and I know that it is simply that her dad died, and her life fell apart. Mike provided all the vital safety she needed. She was just 13 when her dad died, and her world went dark.
Living with Both-Ands
And yet, perhaps their message to me is, “You are there, and we are here.” A line drawn in the sand. Inviting me to live my life more fully, to be here now, and to walk the rest of my days without them. To stop asking for them, wanting them, and accept and embrace that they are in me, within me.
Before releasing Mike and Julia, I reached out one last time: “But how do I still connect with you? How do I feel you?”
And here is the very beautiful part. Again, I felt it was clear-headed Emma both asking and responding, but there was a soft and gentle wisdom to the responses:
“Love Megan. Love her well. Love Megan to love Julia.
Love Ben. Love him well. Love the Mike in Ben. But focus on loving Ben.
Love Medjool. Channel your love for Mike into Medjool. Medjool is here. He needs you. He wants you. He loves you. He adores you. Love Medjool, as best and as fully as you can. Love the Mike that is in Medjool.”
So – channel my love for the dead into the living, into those I still have in my life right now.
I can do that. I want to do that. I choose to do that. I will do that.
And still the gaping absences.
Yes – they soften with time, and with all this work with psychedelics.
The both-ands of life so eternally in process.
In flow.
It is okay that my life is a work in progress.
27th December 2024
