Images coaxed out of DALL.E
31 August 2024
Sometimes – (quite often, actually) – my blog post writing comes about because of a specific, one-off experience. A major – or minor – thing happens, and I write about it. It could be a dream or nightmare, a conversation I have just had with someone, and I have my piece written up, appropriate image found and integrated, and posted within an hour. Other times I have been noodling something, noticed a recurring pattern, and finally made sense of it, then written. Like wisdom rising after a sequence of events. And sometimes there’s been a significant experience that I need to absorb in my body and my heart before I can begin writing. My psychedelic experiences all fall into this last category. This most recent piece then dates from a full three months ago – 31st May 2024. Here’s how it all unfolded.
I had my four pillar enquiry questions – “What is mine to learn, what is mine to create, what is mine to contribute, what is mine to let go?” And with the lovely tweak from my coach Giles Hutchins, “What does my soul want me to learn, what does my soul want me to create, what does my soul want me to contribute, what does my soul want me to let go?”
For this session, my guide and I agreed I’d have a “biggish” LSD dose, followed, an hour later, by a half dose of MDMA. Whereas LSD trips can be utterly unpredictable (ranging from very positive and enjoyable to highly challenging), MDMA can bring a buffering effect to the more challenging side LSD can have.
So – what happened? I find it best to go back to the notes I wrote the evening of the experience and in the days afterwards.
As the first substance took effect, as if by the flick of a switch, I dived into a world of sharp, crisp images – as though an optician’s lens had been placed over my open eyes and I could see clearly for the first time. Bright, pulsating colours and lights danced in front of me and within me – sometimes classic fluorescent psychedelic colours, other times more warm and earthy tones. I was made of light, water, air and energy. Colours and life vibrated and flowed through me, connecting me to our Earth’s life force.
As corny as it sounds, I sensed I am a force of nature, a Being made of Love and Light. And as arrogant as it might sound (and it didn’t feel remotely arrogant at the time), I had a deep sense of my strength and power. Not the icky strength that others sometimes project on to me, believing it to be a compliment – “Oh Emma – you’re so strong! I couldn’t cope with what you’ve had to!” – but a solid, full-bodied knowing that I am a force to be reckoned with. I felt like a mighty Oak – solid, resilient and wise. One of the images I had of how strong I felt was as if I were the figurehead on an old wooden ship – the type where there is a proud, strong woman facing the wild seas fearlessly. Strong in my body, strong in my being. There was a sense of being unshakeable, of having a solid core that others can rely on, not because I need carry anyone else’s shit, but because I know how to stand in my essence, in my truth. This visceral sense of my power felt like a call, an invitation, to “Go! Be! Do! Go do what you are meant to do. Take your place”. There was no wavering. Simply a clear, powerful invitation to be who I am, fully, unapologetically.
DALL.E couldn’t quite grasp what I wanted but I think this woman looks pretty strong, in her power!
(And, bonus, the finger count is good!)
After some time, I went to the central altar, held the wise owl, and wondered into what words of wisdom she might have for me. What came was along the lines of “Be here now, and use all your gifts”. I sensed into Julia’s gifts of love and compassion, her generous love and caring for beauty and for her friends, the ways she continues to shape her friends’ lives. I rested in Mike’s energy for a bit, and sensed him cock his head and ask, humouring me, “Why are you surprised that you’re so strong? You’ve got me! All of my energy is in you, within you, integrated into your power. Use it! Use the power and strength. Be powerful!”
I sensed into my losses, griefs, my dead loved ones, but there was nothing going on. No charge. I had a sense of a fire cut behind me – urging me not to fall back, but to move forward. To leave behind what is behind – to “move on” (much as I hate that language) from all the pain and grief, and to contribute what I can, while I can, while I still breathe, in this life now. The call to move forward, to be In Life, present, right here right now, and not slip back, was refreshing. I felt absolutely invigorated, as though a new level of permission had been granted for living unapologeticallly.
At some stage I went to the loo to pee and fill up my water bottle. I observed my face in the mirror… my hair wild, my pupils large, my face alive – seemingly moving with life. Beautiful, radiant, full of energy. A warm and trustworthy face, a face that cares, loves, generates trust and confidence, inviting people to settle in for a deep relationship.
As the journey came to an end, I felt a deep sense of peace and gratitude. I sensed a clear message from the universe (aka my wise Self) to “Stand in your power. Embrace your strength. Move forward with purpose and conviction”. I continue making sense of and integrating the insights, revelations and messages. It’s always ongoing work, but right now, and for quite a while, I feel re-filled, re-purposed and re-determined to live fully, love deeply, and contribute meaningfully to the world while I still can.
The utter preciousness of it all.
For this, and for so much more, I am so very grateful.
