Main image by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash
15 July 2024
Today, 15th July, is huge. One of those mega dates, loaded with meaning. Forever huge. For ever.
15th July 2017 we had Mike’s Celebration of Life. Three months after his death, still in shock (such vital protection) I was very numb. I remember where it was held – in my village “Salle des Fêtes”. I remember who deigned to show up, having been somewhat chastised by my vitriolic anger if I had considered they should have been there for Mike’s actual funeral and were not. I remember some of the amazing speeches. I remember that I still had three living children. I don’t remember much else.
15th July 2019 we had Julia’s funeral. Julia has still not had a Celebration of Life. I can’t do one for her. I just can’t fathom the energy and strength that I know would be needed. Perhaps if I had done it while still in the shock cocoon it might have happened. But not now. Maybe one day. Many more people attended Julia’s funeral than Mike’s – perhaps in part due to the chastising following their absence from Mike’s, perhaps in part due to her being a child. The crematorium told me that for a child they always book a double funeral slot, and ensure their largest hall is offered. Because people do show up. This was all pre-Covid, so funerals still happened in-person. I know it would be different today.
15th July is also my lovely friend Joan’s birthday. Joan is still alive. So, it’s fair to say that 15th July is not just for terrifyingly sad and scary death-related dates. It’s also a date for celebrating the life of the still living.
And today, 15th July 2024, I head on holiday. Already I am in Geneva main railway station waiting for a train from Geneva to Brig to Domodossola to Milan, followed by an overnight train to Bari, followed by a day in Bari, followed by an overnight ferry to Durres, Albania. Interrail! My first time interrailing since I was 19! Much could go wrong, but despite the week I have had, I choose to remain steadfastly optimistic about schedules, trains, buses and ferries.
But this week, leading up to my now being sat at the station? Full of banana skins. Slippery snakes, as in the Snakes and Ladders kind. Massive Interference.
To kick things off, about two weeks ago, while still in The Hague for Megan’s graduation celebrations, I learned from my pet sitter Karen that Black the dog had a skin irritation resulting in a massive sore patch on his body. Since then, there have been two trips to the vet, lots of potions and ointments and tablets that are impossible to get down him unless wrapped in Viande Séchée des Grisons. His skin is now healing but he needs to wear a collar-cone to stop himself from licking himself raw. Poor doggy. He who turned 13 yesterday. About 90 (apparently) in human terms, my vet tells me. Such a good dog.
Last Monday, my next pet sitter, Anna, planned for these next five weeks of holiday, contacted me to say she had Covid, and instead of arriving on Friday as planned (three days ago), she’d travel on Sunday evening (yesterday). A little tight before a Monday morning departure, but hey, let’s cross fingers and toes. I added, “So, if you have any sense that you will not be able to come, that you will not be well enough, I really need to know today (Monday). I still have a little wiggle room. But once we get into tomorrow, I have very full days and won’t be able to put a back-up plan in place or find a new sitter”. She assured me she would be here on Sunday.
Tuesday afternoon, as I turned on my car to schlep to my annual check-up with the dentist, beeeeep! An “engine fault – needs repair” sign lit up. It stayed on. Then went off. Then went back on. Then was off again. I took it around to my trusty garage man who did an electronics check. “It’s to do with pre-heating of sparkplugs – I can get it fixed over the next 48 hours – leave your car here – it will get sorted”. More logistics to organise because of needing to take Black to the vet, something that is not possible (a) on my bicycle nor (b) on foot. Getting the car repaired quickly being vitally important because of a young man and Megan driving to and from The Hague from Geneva to collect all her university belongings. This car must be SAFE!
Wednesday morning, while getting ready for my coaching session with my own coach, general power cut. My house, or the village? It has been stormy, and these things happen in my village. Nope – not my neighbours. Must be me. I couldn’t turn things back on. Checked each fuse one by one, and all worked except for the kitchen. OK. Something in the kitchen then. Hmm – what’s that puddle of water coming out from under the fridge? I’d been defrosting it ahead of going away because it’s quite ancient and ice builds up at the back, pushing out the shelves and stopping the door from closing properly. I wanted it working for my pet sitter.
Went for my coaching session which was rich and partly focused on me calming down and learning how to interpret signs from the universe when everything spirals down snakes, and all ladders have vanished.
Just what is going on? Why is all this stuff happening? Why now? Should I not be going on holiday? Is this the universe warning me with whatever she can throw at me? Is it a sign that the ferry from Bari to Durres is going to sink? Attacked by pirates? Train crashes? I have got pet sitter issues, dog health issues, car issues, fridge issues, power cut issues… all of that on a very full, last days before holiday, diary.
Oh, and meanwhile, my website hosting platform is proving impossible to access, just as my new programme Mortal Leader is readying for take-off. Just what is happening?
After my coaching session, thanks to a cancellation, I had space to go and buy a new fuse and popped it in. Phew! It worked. An hour later, it all blew again. Aaarghhh! What the fuck!! What is this??
Scenarios run through my mind of what I might cancel – even though I am not a cancelling kind of gal:
Much needed haircut and colour later today? (2 hours gained)
Co-sitting for a psychedelics day on Friday? (12 hours gained)
Tantra weekend workshop? (18 hours gained over 2 days)
Coaching and other meetings? (5 hours gained)
Facilitating The Week on two remaining evenings? (4 hours gained)
Albania holiday? (5 weeks gained)
I went into the garden and called Medjool because we were already needing to figure out where our cars would be over the coming days to enable back and forth from various adventures. I was close to tears and would have just bawled but Medjool kept sending me electrician phone numbers which I tried, one after another. To no avail. Medjool said, “I am on my way”.
Fast forward a little while – I am still calling electricians – and my handyman-friend Chris comes to the rescue. “I am there in TWO minutes”. And he was. I didn’t even have time to cry, whether with despair or relief.
We figured out together, through process of elimination, that the fridge defrosting water over the floor was indeed the culprit. But it wasn’t the water. The fridge’s flex had been chewed through to the wire by mice, and the flex was dipping in the defrosted water, shorting everything. A reminder that blown fuses are our friend, not our enemy, however exasperating.
Breathe, Emma. Breathe. And breathe again.
Clear-thinking Chris wasn’t happy doing the repair, and suggested I borrow or buy a small fridge for my pet sitter to have while I am away.
Keep breathing.
Medjool took me and the dog to the vet so that I could then also pick up the car from the repair afterwards. (Doggy is doing better, even if he needs to keep the collar on for a couple more weeks). Add on trip to my sister’s for it transpires she has a spare fridge. My brother-in-law is fortunately at home and reckons a flex like my fridge’s is easy to fix. He pops in his car and comes on his way and gets to work with Chris.
Meanwhile, I hop on my bicycle and make it to my hair appointment and relax for a full 90 minutes. Bliss.
Multiple Rumplestiltskins are at work while I am being tended by my hair dresser. When I get home, the new small fridge is plugged into the music room and the old fridge is working again in its usual spot in the kitchen. My army of male helpers are doing the last little bit of tidying up.
I make a cup of herbal tea to take up to my office and jump online to host part two of “The Week”.
Afterwards I do some kitchen tidying with Medjool who has stayed around and we have a lovely remainder of the evening. I am so very grateful for his presence.
Thursday was smooth, if also full on. I have the car back and it works without alarms going off. And the final session of “The Week” was rich and moving.
Friday was a day of exquisite beauty. Meditating and holding space with my partner in crime for 8+ hours as four brave souls had their first MDMA experience. All of us floating in a sea – no, a universe – of love for a full day. More bliss.
Saturday was day one of a weekend Tantra massage workshop. Gorgeous, bliss and more bliss.
Then on the way home – beeeep! The car engine alarm goes off again. I freeze in fear. Go straight to my car mechanic. Will he be there on Saturday 18h30? He was. He tests again. Same issue. He assures me – looking me in the eye (he knows I cannot lose another child) that the car is safe to drive to The Hague and back. Not only that, the car is fine until I am back in a few weeks. We can sort it out calmly in September.
I calm down enough and get on with my packing for Albania. Hiking. Villages. Lakes. Maybe seaside. All in a backpack please.
Sunday – another lovely Tantra day. Blissy bliss. Car no longer beeping.
I get home, ready myself to (a) have the car picked up by the young man’s family for the drive to The Hague, and (b) go and collect Anna the pet sitter from the airport. Then I see she’s calling on WhatsApp. She’s standing in the airport and feels too unwell to come. My heart sinks. I stay calm and respond compassionately. I say kind things. I mean them – I really do. And underneath my gears are whirring, going ten to the dozen. Okay – now what? We leave in the morning.
On Wednesday, after bemoaning all that was happening, I received pearls of wisdom. “No, don’t try to make meaning of all of what this might mean. It might not be warnings not to go on holiday for risk of pirates attacking ships, but instead to re-remember just how not in control of anything we are”. But I know this – I really truly know how little control we have. I have been thrown curve balls for years now. Giles Hutchins, my coach, invited: “Observe yourself in the tizz. Have a love-in with the tizz. Be triggered. Notice what happens. Be with the stress. Be in a tizz. Allow it. But notice it – and observe yourself. See who you are in the tizz. And flow with it. Flow with the stress”.
Easier said than done, but I had more practice opportunities coming right up. Not that I knew it then.
Another person – also wiser than me – invited me to re-remember just how resourced and resourceful I am. All these men coming to help – paid or not paid – organised and left to get on with things. Trusted by me and trusting of one another. All ways I build and nurture resourcefulness and resilience. This wise friend, TraceyKay, also invited me not to reflect on interpreting and meaning making, and instead feel into all of the sources of frustration instead. I do know (ha ha – head language!) that that is wise. “Feel the feels”. And acknowledge all the parts of life that simply don’t have landing spaces. For there are many. Constant upheaval. Forever transitions. So much in flux.
And so – Sunday night, 19h00, the day before heading off at 9h00 on Monday morning, this morning, I make some calls. I called Ben and Megan. I popped round to neighbours. I called the elderly couple in the village who take care of Black here and there – for a day or two at a time. And a plan came together.
Black the dog stays with the elderly village couple.
Silver the cat gets visited and cuddled by neighbours.
Various people will get to pick up the local organic veggies.
And all the other unknowns? Well, they stay unknown. Hanging out in the place in the universe that holds all the unknowns, the unfinished, the in-process. But by golly – that was a lot of interference this week. I am so grateful now to be sitting in a clean and comfortable Swiss train. May our holiday begin.
Oh… lovely! Enjoy, Emma! Enjoy,.. enjoy…. enjoy….