Mixed Emotions

By Emma Pearson

April 2, 2020

25 December 2019

I noticed that Kelley Lynn put up a couple of lovely questions on her Facebook page in the run-up to Christmas. It went along the lines of:

  1. Tell me, what/who are you missing?
  2. And if you’re joyful, then say more about that

It’s Christmas morning, and I am sitting in bed. No rush here, because for over a decade, Mike and I said to our guests, “Christmas lunch will be 3pm or 4pm.

That habit probably started in my teens when, as a family we went to the Lake District, walking in the hills, at Christmas, and seven of us (plus hangers on) stayed in a tiny miner’s cottage. We had to go for a long walk just because it was beautiful, whatever the weather; and because inside we’d have got on top of each other, metaphorically in terms of nerves and literally in terms of bodies.

Then living with Mike in France, he and I got into the habit of going for a gentle Christmas jog in the local woods, which made the whole preparation thing get quite late. So much so that late lunch/early dinner it became. And of course, added bonus, there’s no need to actually provide lunch (nibbles will do), nor dinner (because you’re still stuffed).

That Christmas day design holds now, in our fifth Christmas without my youngest brother Edward, our third without my husband Mike, and our first without my youngest child Julia.

So before I actually get up and go for a gentle jog, here are some of my reflections in response to Kelley’s questions.

What & Who am I missing?

Mike, Julia, Ed, Don, Granny May – and yes, others too, but mostly them

Simplicity and lightness in my life

Solid confidence that life is good

Help and support before I even realise I need it

Invitations to others’ houses, dinners, parties, outings

My work

Friends who have dropped away

The apéro party we always did on the last Friday before Christmas (and even the year after Mike died, but not last year, and not this year)

Peace

Primary and secondary losses – the effects go on and on and on

And what am I joyful about and grateful for?

The invitation from Trisha & Angus to be in Grimentz for a few days before Christmas in the chalet that Mike helped kit out and that holds so many memories – as well as recordings in the visitor’s book

The snow that fell in buckets and barrels, delaying our departure by an extra night

Ben and Megan for their constancy, their love, their interests and talents, their desire to be home at this time of year (for a while longer I hope), their willingness to get stuck into other arrangements I make for them and be sociable

Medjool and his family, and all that that brings – invitations, food, music, comfort, help, support, affection, understanding, sport, outings

My health, my body, and being able to do more with it than most people my age

My parents, their health, availability and generosity

The pockets of work I do have, and my fledgling ideas about creating new services

New friends with whom I am constructing a new piece of my life’s tapestry, as well as old friends who’ve worked damned hard to stay by me in my fratchety-ness, to learn a new language of support, and who’ve licked any wounds caused in them by me, and who still come back to walk with me a while

The cards and notes and messages and photos I have received where people really worked hard to language things to reflect the complexity of this time of year (and heck, the complexity of any time of year)

The roses from Joan that had been buffeted around the garden for 3 days before we returned, but are still fresh and beautiful

My dog and cat

My memories and learnings from all my dead loved ones

Sunshine today on Christmas day (I must get out on that run)

Secondary gains – nothing “replaces” anything, because dead is dead, lost is lost. And yet there are small pieces of something new that’s being added, tacked on to the quilt.

Mixed emotions are the norm. Gratitude and Joy side by side with Grief and Loss. It’s still very very very hard and painful almost all of the time, AND I notice – I really do notice and value – the efforts people make, and when I feel just that little bit of ease, moments of joy and peace and comfort and happiness.

I really must get out on that run.

About Emma Pearson

1 thought on “Mixed Emotions

  1. Dear Emma
    I have heard from Kate about the events of the last couple of years and Derek and I were devastated for you. You are an inspiration to write the piece you have. Being able to see all the positives of the life you have is amazing and your two children will benefit so much from the attitude you are conveying. We send all three of you our love at a time of the year when loss is so difficult to accept. Alison

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